Being Less Controlling by Softening Attachment

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As one of the few economists who is also a life coach, I offer free Positive Intelligence training for economists:

The first step in that training is taking the saboteur assessment. The saboteur assessment is very quick and very revealing. When I took this assessment, the Hyper-Rational, Hyper-Achiever and Victim saboteurs were no surprise to me. But I learned something from my high score for the Controller saboteur. I am working on being less controlling.

To explain what it means to be controlling or not, Shirzad Chamine, the author of the book Positive Intelligence and the originator of the Positive Intelligence curriculum gives the analogy of vainly trying to control the wind and the waves or alternatively, surfing on whatever winds and waves come along.

Another helpful way of thinking about what the alternatives to being controlling are is to think about attachment. Here I use the word in the sense Buddhist’s use it: attachment is not rolling well with the punches that life lands, living in fear of those punches, or acting in fear. A basic principle of Buddhism is that the root of suffering is attachment.

I find the description of different levels of attachment in Don Miguel Ruiz Jr.’s brief book “The Five Levels of Attachment” useful. This book is billed in its subtitle as “Toltec Wisdom for the Modern Age.” To the extent that it actually reflects ancient Toltec wisdom, there is a convergence between Toltec wisdom and Buddhism.

Here are Don Miguel Ruiz Jr.’s 5 levels of attachment, as he describes them using the example of soccer fandom:

Level One: The Authentic Self

Imagine that you like soccer, and you can go to a game at any stadium in the world. It could be a magnificent stadium or a dirt-filled field. The players could be great or mediocre. You are not rooting for or against a side. It doesn't matter who is playing. As soon as you see a game, you sit, watch, and enjoy it for those ninety minutes. You simply enjoy watching the game for what it is. The players could even be kicking around a tin can, and you still enjoy the ups and downs of the sport! The moment the referee blows the whistle that ends the game—win or lose—you leave the game behind. You walk out of the stadium and continue on with your life. …

Level Two: Preference

This time, you attend a game—again, at any stadium in the world, with any teams playing—but now you root for one of the teams. … You created a story of victory or defeat that shaped the experience, but the story had nothing to do with you personally, because the story was about the team. You engaged with the event and the people around you, but at the end of the game, you simply say, “That was fun,” and let go of the attachment. …

Level Three: Identity

This time, you are a committed fan of a particular team. Their colors strike an emotional chord inside of you. When the referee blows the whistle, the result of the game affects you on an emotional level. … You feel elated when your team wins; when your team loses, you feel disappointed. But still, your team's performance is not a condition of your own self-acceptance. And if your team loses, you're able to accept the defeat as you congratulate the other side. … if your team loses, you might have a bad day at work, argue with someone about what or who is responsible for the team losing, or feel sad despite the good things going on around you. No matter what the effect is, you've let an attachment change your persona. Your attachment bleeds into a world that has nothing to do with it.

Level Four: Internalization

… at Level Four your association with your favorite team has now become an intrinsic part of your identity. The story of victory and defeat is now about you. Your team's performance affects your self-worth. When reading the stats, you admonish players for making us look bad. If the opponent team wins, you get angry that they beat you. You feel disconsolate when your team loses, and may even create excuses for the defeat. Of course you would never sit down with one of their fans in a pub for a friendly chat! …

Level Five: Fanaticism

At this level, you worship your team! Your blood bleeds their colors! If you see an opposing team's fan, they are automatically your enemy, because this shield must be defended! This is your land, and others must be subjugated so that they, too, can see that your team is the real team; others are just frauds. What happens on the field says everything about you. Winning championships makes you a better person, and there is always a conspiracy theory that allows you to never accept a loss as legitimate. There is no longer a separation between you and your attachment of any kind. You are a committed to your team through and through, a fan 365 days a year. Your family is going to wear the jersey, and they better be fans of your team. If any of your kids become a fan of an opposing team, you will disinherit them. … at Level Five you don't waste your time with people who don't love the sport.

The real power in this idea of attachment is in applying it to areas of life far beyond sports. Here are some areas in which I notice a lot of attachment by people I know (a set that includes me):

  • political party

  • particular political issues such as climate change or animal rights

  • academic discipline

  • field within economics

  • style of research within a field in economics

  • having particular technical skills

  • having particular social and organizational skills

There is a subtle distinction to be made between devoting oneself to a project or a cause and becoming attached to it. One can devote oneself to a cause and do one’s utmost to advance that cause without your heart being occupied with anger at those who don’t see the importance of that cause or even work against it and without your heart being occupied by the bad things that might happen that are completely beyond your control.

To use a military analogy, Napoleon kept some of his forces in reserve to send into battle at the crucial place a the crucial moment. If all of his forces were in the thick of the fight from the beginning—attached to a particular part of the battle already, with little ability to extricate themselves—he couldn’t have taken advantage of opportunities that arose.

Decision of how long to persist in a particular direction of action and when to do a course correction are crucial in life. Attachment interferes with making those decisions well. You might be too attached to a particular course of action that you persist to long or you might be so attached to winning that you quit too soon when the chance of failure gets to the same order of magnitude as the chance of success.

The more you spy out excesses of attachment and notice the temptations you face to try to control things beyond what is gracefully possible, the more calm and effective you will be. People differ in how big a problem attachment and being controlling is in their lives, but this is an issue at some level for almost everyone.

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